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Talk Talk
A peace conference between major UK fractions is threatened by an anarchist biker gang - it’s up to you and Jody to save the day! Cast * Sam Yao * Jody Marsh * Janine De Luca * Colonel Sage * Steve Sissay * The Last Riders Plot Get This Bomb Away Steve arrives on comms to tell you the bomb has no off switch and can be remotely detonated. Fortunately the detonator has a 20 yard range, you just need to keep the bomb away from the rider carrying the detonator, simple! Away From The Peace Conference You’ve lost the Last Riders for now, but the V-Type zombie is still following you. Jody lets the zom get your scent so you can lead it away from the peace conference, where Janine is struggling with diplomacy. The Bollard-y Bit As you run Jody, Steve and Sam discuss potential ways to kill V-Types - using the bomb isn’t a good option. Suddenly you’re spotted by a rider, and the big rig starts turning to chase you! Indestructible Zombie Parts The riders run straight into the V-Type chasing you, not realising they’re outmatched. It’s now imperative you get the bomb as far away as possible, since the detonator has a dead man’s switch, and if the biker holding it turns… Going To Get Through This Everyone’s trying to work out where this V-Type could have come from, when one of the riders turns. You’re near London’s Neutral Zone, but can’t risk any V-Types finding the horde of zoms trapped there, so for now you and Jody keep running with the bomb. Do It Anyway You near the second Thames Barrier, and Jody has an idea: if you blow it up you’ll wash the V-Types away from the Neutral Zone. Steve advises you on bomb placement, and a place to stand where you won’t also be swept away. And The V-Types? The bomb goes off, and a huge wave of water washes all your pursuers downstream. Steve and Jody are despondent about the future, but Sam reminds them of all they’ve survived so far: together you’ll figure out a way to defeat the V-Types. S07E02 // Rofflenet Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet Transcript timer beeps JODY MARSH: Okay, Five, we can figure this out. There’s a bomb here reading 27 minutes and counting. There’s a V-type heading up the Thames toward us. We can’t evacuate the House of Commons because the Last Riders are outside firing Molotov cocktail arrows. There must be a tactical solution.Janine would think of one. Maybe we can defuse the bomb really quickly! STEVE SISSAY: Steve here. Jody, I’m afraid that’s a negatory. Cursory look at that explosive device tells me it doesn’t come with an off switch. It has a remote detonator, too. Sam, have you seen anyone carrying a transmitter with a large aerial? SAM YAO: Oh, well, like the Rider on the bike with a demon painted on it and the big aerial sticking out the back? STEVE SISSAY: Good spot, love. That’s it. All right. Jody, Five, good news. Those remote detonators only have a range of about 20 yards. He can blow it up at any time, but if you keep the Rider away from the bomb - JODY MARSH: Or the bomb away from the Rider! STEVE SISSAY: You catch my drift. JODY MARSH: If we do that, we’ve got… oh, lovely! 25 whole minutes to work out what to do with it. Five, grab that handle. I’ll take this one. We’re running with a bomb - which is always a good idea - towards the world’s end! … I mean that literally. There’s a bit of west London called World’s End. It’s away from both the V-types and the House of Commons. We’ve got to get this bomb away from here right now. timer beeps SAM YAO: All right, all right. The Last Riders didn’t leave any guards on that tunnel, so you’re not being followed. Ah, except that V-type zombie on the embankment path has definitely got your scent. So yeah, correction: you are being followed. But by a zombie, not anarchists. JODY MARSH: How far away is the zom, Sam? We can’t see it. SAM YAO: Uh, few hundred yards. Around the corner of the towpath. JODY MARSH: We have to slow down a bit, Five. Let it get our scent properly. SAM YAO: Do you uh, do you think that’s what Janine would do? JODY MARSH: I don’t know, Sam! Why don’t we ask her and the 300 other leaders of Britain gathered together in one place to be blown up and/or eaten? SAM YAO: Yeah, actually, the business end of that should have started now. static JANINE DE LUCA: Abel Township votes against the motion to build a garden on Westminster Bridge. grumbles We also want to bring the house’s attention to a new type of zombie discovered off the South Coast, deadly - NORTHERN REPRESENTATIVE: You southern settlements with your southern concerns. We tried to warn you about the Last Riders for months, but would you listen? ?. shouts and argues SAGE: Sage here, of Banktown. I, for one, am interested in hearing what the Abel representative has to say. NORTHERN REPRESENTATIVE: Oh, you all stick together. shouts JODY MARSH: Janine, you’ve got to be friendly to them! Facts won’t do it, you’ve got to talk their language. SAM YAO: Uh, yeah. Horse might have bolted on Janine and diplomacy. JODY MARSH: I wish she was here. Five, look. That V-type’s seen us, hasn’t it? roars Yep. That’s a yes. Seen us, got our scent or something. I’ve got a plan, but we have to keep moving and keep that zom away from the peace conference. Run! timer beeps JODY MARSH: Okay. We’ve got 19 minutes on the clock of this bomb. Steve, how much firepower do you reckon it has? STEVE SISSAY: Um, well, looking at it, it could take down a smallish tower block. Maybe eight floors? JODY MARSH: So solid concrete walls are no problem for it? STEVE SISSAY: Melt like butter in your mouth. JODY MARSH: All right. Okay. This could work. SAM YAO: No, you can’t blow up V-types, Jodes! Well, the - the bits go everywhere! And all the bits are alive, and all of them are infectious, and the hands and stuff like, well, they crawl over to you and dig their sharp nails in and mix their fluid with your fluids and then - and then you turn! JODY MARSH: We don’t know all that for certain, Sam. But yeah, they are super infectious. More than normal. STEVE SISSAY: There’s been no word yet on a decisive way to kill the V-types. SAM YAO: sighs Well, I mean, they can be killed. ANNIE dissolved them in acid that time, you remember? But that was in an enclosed space. You can set them on fire, and that works, if you make sure all the - all the bits are on fire. And they will keep coming even while they are on fire, and bite you while they’re on fire. STEVE SISSAY: Flamethrower’s not the solution. SAM YAO: Uh, well, if you could get them into an enclosed metal space, and like, if you were on a high gantry, and you’re not going to catch on fire, or inhale fumes - STEVE SISSAY: Veronica - ANNIE - hasn’t got anything solid. SAM YAO: Yeah, no one knows what to call her. Them. But uh, no. The entity formerly knows as Veronica and the bit of ANNIE that wasn’t super aggressive is working on it. We think. Veronica’s been a bit strange since the, um, merging, I mean. Uh, we have a cure for the normal virus now, but - but we don’t think it works on V-types. JODY MARSH: Okay. But the people in the House of Commons are safe right now, okay, Sam? I mean, apart from the big rig. The zom is chasing us, but the Riders don’t know we’ve moved the bomb. engine revs SAM YAO: Spoke too soon. There was an outrider hiding behind that tree. He’s radioed - oh, crap! The big rig on the Thames path is turning towards you! You need to make it to that bollardy bit where they’ll have to follow on foot. Run! scream SAM YAO: Oh, crap. JODY MARSH: The bikers have met the V-type? SAM YAO: Yep. One of the bikers is going for it with a baseball bat to the head. Ugh, the head’s sort of dangling to one side, and the body has smeared itself all over the biker in front. There are fluids. JODY MARSH: Oh yeah. Can you see, Five? The V-type has stopped the next bike with its leg, and it’s - ugh, it’s pulled that Rider’s head off! Bloody hell, they’re strong. STEVE SISSAY: Jody, that transmitter has a dead man switch. If the biker holding onto it gets turned, and he’s in range - JODY MARSH: The bomb goes off. I’ve got you. Five, we have to keep moving. If we don’t get this bomb a good, safe distance from the bikes, it will shower indestructible zombie parts over a mile radius. Run! JODY MARSH: Okay, okay. Five and I are heading towards World’s End. We’re a safe distance from the bikes for now. What’s the score on the immovable object versus the irresistible force? SAM YAO: Well, the peace conference still doesn’t believe Janine that there are indestructible zoms. STEVE SISSAY: And right now, all but two of the bikers are dead. All bitten. JODY MARSH: Anyone turning? STEVE SISSAY: Not yet. JODY MARSH: Where did this V-type come from? Battenbury? SAM YAO: It can’t be. The first thing Veronica did when she took over ANNIE was to throw a concrete wall around that place 20 meters thick! They can’t have come from there! STEVE SISSAY: Unless they… tunneled under it, love. JODY MARSH: No. There are not V-types who can tunnel. Do not make me think about V-types tunneling. SAM YAO: Well, I mean, it was coming up the river. Could be one of the original ones we released under the White Fingers. It could have been crawling out of that rubble under that place under the sea for years! JODY MARSH: Oh God! Their decayed, waterlogged limbs tirelessly prizing one rock from another. It’s so horrible! coughs What was that? STEVE SISSAY: One of the bikers has turned. He’s closest to you. JODY MARSH: Is it another V-type? SAM YAO: Hard to know for sure, but it’s making the right noise. JODY MARSH: We’re going to die. STEVE SISSAY: Jody, Five, you have got to get out of there. Dump the bomb. If it goes off, it goes off. Head to the tower blocks to the west. You can climb a wall, and we’ll arrange a rescue. SAM YAO: But what if the V-types can climb, Steve? JODY MARSH: We can’t dump the bomb, Steve! And we’ve got to get those V-types away from here! SAM YAO: It’s not safe, Jody. No, I like Steve’s plan. Head to the tower blocks. JODY MARSH: Sam, we’re near to the edge of the neutral zone. You remember? That big bit of London that’s walled off and full of thousands of zombies? If this bomb goes off, the wall comes down. If those V-types get into the neutral zone and start biting other zombies - SAM YAO: Well, do we know they’ll turn into other V-types? JODY MARSH: We’ve seen them biting corpses. We can’t risk it. If it happens, everyone in the South of England is dead, at least. Five, with me. Just keep running. We’re going to get through this. Just keep running! timer beeps JODY MARSH: How’s the peace conference, Sam? SAM YAO: Um, not very peaceful. static SAGE: With all I know of her, I feel clear that Janine De Luca is not a liar! REPRESENTATIVE: Oh yeah? My mate told me she told him there was weapons in a cache in a barn on top of Mount Snowdon, and there wasn’t! shouts JANINE DE LUCA: That was a very unusual circumstance in which your “mate” was clearly intoxicated with a home brew cider of some ferocity! JODY MARSH: Right, then. Glad we might be about to give up our lives to save that complete shower. SAM YAO: Give up your lives? Jody, what are you doing? JODY MARSH: It’ll probably be fine, Sam. Steve, you know the second Thames barrier? The one they built at World’s End? STEVE SISSAY: Oh yes, I certainly do. JODY MARSH: It’s just coming up ahead. If me and Five were to blow it up, the onrush of water would wash those V-types miles and miles upstream and inland, wouldn’t it? STEVE SISSAY: laughs Oh, it would. JODY MARSH: And I mean, that wouldn’t be a long-term solution, but it’d keep the V-types away from the neutral zone, right? SAM YAO: You’re a bloody tactical genius. JODY MARSH: Took me ages to work it out. Janine would have been faster. What do you reckon, Steve? STEVE SISSAY: Place the bomb under the third ? to the left of the ? barrier. JODY MARSH: We see it. Then what? STEVE SISSAY: Then, looking at the structure of the barrier, safest location is likely to be… top of the blue pillar under the awning. I reckon you probably won’t get swept away by the water up there. SAM YAO: Probably? JODY MARSH: What do you say, Five? Our half hour’s almost up. Want to plant a bomb and maybe die like heroes? Me, either. Let’s do it anyway. barrier collapses, water rushes JODY MARSH: laughs My God! Five, grab my arm! Wow! That is like the world’s biggest water slide thundering past our heads! STEVE SISSAY: Still got it on the structural analysis. SAM YAO: You’re not kidding. Wow, that is a lot of water. Those zombies and bikers are - yeah, you’re not going to see them for miles and miles. They’re all being washed away, just, just arms and legs everywhere. Also, a lot of west London is going to be underwater for a while now. No one was living there, but still. Shame. JODY MARSH: How did the peace conference go? SAM YAO: sighs Inconclusive. Splitting into factions. Janine failed to make friends with most of them. JODY MARSH: Shocker. SAM YAO: Yeah. Yeah. She just basically got chatting to that bloke, Sage. Hey, did you ever think that maybe you would have been better at the peace conference? JODY MARSH: And she would have been better off running tactical here? Yeah, maybe. Still, there’s plenty of tactics to go around. The V-types have got out. Not to mention a bunch of homicidal Last Riders. STEVE SISSAY: Do you know why they call themselves that? SAM YAO: No. We’ve been wondering about that. STEVE SISSAY: I heard about them when I worked with Sigrid. They called themselves the Last Riders because they think this is it. The fall of humanity, the rout of mankind. Last Riders as in no one comes after us. We’re all the last at whatever we’re doing. Just… give up now. SAM YAO: Yeah. But we’ll figure out a way to stop them. And the V-types. I mean, Veronica figured out a cure for the old zombie plague. We can sort this out. JODY MARSH: Did you see what those V-types did, Five? Pulling someone’s head off with a single tug? I want to believe we can fix it. We have to try! But maybe… STEVE SISSAY: Maybe we’re going to have to go through another bloody apocalypse. I don’t know if I can face it, to be honest with you. SAM YAO: We’re the people who got through the last one. If Sigrid didn’t stop us, and Van Ark didn’t stop us, and Moonchild’s mind control didn’t stop us, some weirdos on bikes aren’t going to stop us! JODY MARSH: And the V-types? SAM YAO: We’ll figure it out. We will. Category:Mission Category:Season Seven